Last week we paid tribute to my mom. Up until that point there was no space to feel. Staying occupied with the business aspect of handling death and juggling that with other responsibilities kept me from realizing how much pain I was actually carrying.
I have a tendency to dissociate whenever I experience trauma so often there is a delayed response in my emotional reaction. . . This case has been no different. I knew that once we had my mom’s service my feelings would hit me because there would be more space for me to feel. I wouldn’t have to hold it all together so much.
I have been crying quite a bit the last few days. It’s hard to even drive past the corner I turn in to get to my mom’s house or look at her pictures. Her passing feels very real, very permanent and it hurts. I’m not sad just in pain. It’s good pain. I need to feel this. It’s a pain I know I can’t fix I just have to accept that it is there and it probably always will be. I just need to learn to live with it and I think I already have.
One of the greatest super powers that we can attain as human beings is the ability to cope with disappointment. The ability to accept a loss. To deal when there is nothing left to fight for, when you’ve reached the end of the road. I can honestly say that at this point in life I have mastered the art of losing. I’ve coped with a lot of disappointment in a lot of different ways. I’ve learned how to carry on when I don’t get what I want. I’ve learned how NOT to carry on when I don’t get what I want. This case is no different.
I choose optimism. I choose gratitude. I choose to work with what I’ve got which is a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, wonderful community, and a bright future doing many things that I love. I’m so abundant. I am deeply missing my mom but I know she’s here, in different forms than I am used to, but she is here.
Some of her ashes were scattered at Fiesta Island, some distributed to loved ones, and the rest are with me. Today I planted her with some wildflower seeds, to feed the hummingbirds. I think they should sprout . One of her favorite things to do was to watch the hummingbirds. Now she will get to do that.
With deep love and gratitude,